Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tired: A List

I am tired of:
  • my job
  • being on my feet at the pizzeria and at the temple (though not tired of being at the temple)
  • being the only person who takes out the trash and washes the dishes
  • clothes that aren't pajamas
  • waking up every hour from nightmares
  • getting out of bed in the morning
  • medication
  • counseling
  • role playing with my psychologist
  • feeling lonely while I sit alone in my apartment
  • feeling doubly lonely when I force myself out of my apartment to make sad attempts at social interaction
  • not being able to cry when I need to
  • singing sad songs
  • fear
  • having the strong urge to bang my head against a wall
  • needing and asking for help
  • feeling stuck
  • tummy aches
  • being intelligent and insightful
  • teaching Sunday School
  • mortality
  • people who think I can and should just snap out of it
Current songs: "April, Come She Will," Simon and Garfunkel; "Why Not Smile?" R.E.M. (Coincidentally, this is the source of my blog title and the name under which I post. Ten points and a big smiley face if you can figure out what it means.)


Bekah said...

I love you, and I feel your pain and fatigue. We're always here when you need us.

adorned with life said...

Oh, I relate to so much of this. I don't have the anxiety that you have. I'm seeing a psychologist to work out my pathological perfectionism, control and obsessiveness issues. They're all intertwined. It's hard work, this improving thing. Or, as the title of my blog says, this becoming something.

Blogging is cathartic, isn't it?