Friday, June 6, 2008

Flood of Grief

Last week, I was thinking how ironic it is that the Lord placed me in my current living situation after I was not allowed to go on a mission. The doctors in Salt Lake expressed two primary concerns after my meetings with them: 1) when my insomnia re-emerged, I would have no opportunity to catch up on sleep and my emotional stability and physical health would suffer and 2) I would almost certainly have companions with whom I would not get along, which would create feelings of loneliness. But I am supposed to work five mornings a week at the temple and three nights a weeks at my paying job, and I have roommates who don't like me and a new ward where I don't fit in. I have already missed a few days at the temple because I could not fall asleep the night before and could not drag myself out of bed in the morning because of depression. The days I have missed have been days in the laundry, where I feel generally expendable, so I haven't worried too much. There is only one worker who seems to notice when I am gone, and I fear to disappoint her, though. If I were on a mission, would I really be feeling more loneliness, emptiness, exhaustion, and self-doubt than I am now? Probably not. Clearly, I have to experience these feelings for some reason, and if I could not experience them on a mission, there were other situations the Lord could use to try me. But it is hard to have perspective when I am fast sinking beneath this flood of grief.

Funny that I should call it that. There is a poem I love, written by my old friend Ellie. Hopefully, she will not mind its appearance here:

Beware This Flood of Grief
(A Villanelle)

Beware this flood of grief--it soon will flee
And leave us with a river of delight
Plunge deep into the stream of ecstasy.

A smaller man would fight the raging sea
In battles quickly lost expend his might
Beware this flood of grief--it soon will flee.

However, waiting patiently are we
We know the storm will pass; we are polite
Plunge deep into the stream of ecstasy.

A weaker man, unleashing helpless plea,
Would fall beneath the pressure of the fight
Beware this flood of grief--it soon will flee.

But we, aware that we will soon be free
Discover that the weight we bare is light
Plunge deep into the stream of ecstasy.

Our anxious comrade cowers gloomily
But we ignore his wretched, friendless plight
Beware this flood of grief--it soon will flee
Plunge deep into the stream of ecstasy.

3 comments:

The Dancing Newt said...

I love how you love that. And I love YOU. :)

chrisdaines said...

I'm hoping your grief passes soon. Glad you can be close to the temple.

Thirdmango said...

One immediate effect that I can see right off the bat that perhaps you might miss, but which might be incredibly important is how often you can go to the temple especially right after going the first time. I literally was able to go only once before entering the MTC, then only twice in the MTC and then none at all during my mission as there was no temple in my mission. I went two years on a mission with going three times and none of them were good times either, so it was really hard for me to give a good testimony on temples and I would usually have to let my companion do anything on that subject because of it. Very few people in this life, have the opportunity to go every single morning, five mornings a week, and if they do they're usually well into their life already. You have an amazing opportunity of being able to gain and strengthen a very healthy and strong testimony of the temple which is something that a lot of people do not have and will need you to help enforce in themselves. Your mission may not be a two year mission, but if you go to the temple five mornings a week, I believe you will see within days or months what an amazing mission you're set to have in your life.